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Monday, December 19, 2011

wee sma's...

here it is, 2 something am.

the "wee sma's", as the scotch say. (wee small hours)

can't sleep. it was a busy day, about 50 people in our house for much of the day, too much food and laughter and sugar.

i'm up reading blogs. in the bathroom. so as not to wake daddy and emma.

reading these blogs makes me tired, but unfortunately not sleepy.

i read about these adoptive families, moms in particular, who are so busy with their big families and adoption causes and i look at their photos and their eyes are wide and their smiles huge and the description of their daily life makes my head spin.

i think back to 25-30 years ago when i too was in the throes of adopting and managing a busy home and being a pastor's wife of a growing church and a part-time mary kay lady and running a counseling center at our church...and i wonder

how did i do it all?

then i think of the 15 years i founded/directed the birthing center and worked around the clock for probably a decade until my health broke down...

how did i do that?

and...why do i sort of feel guilty that i'm not doing that now?

old habits die hard.

i have just spent a semester assisting in my 5-year-old daughter's classroom at Faith Academy...driving 2 1/2 hours every day to get there and back...loving it, but feeling weary at times...wondering where my energy went?

forgetting that i'm 61, and should probably pace myself a bit more.

i should probably stop reading these BUSYMOM blogs, too- even though my heart is for adoption and mothering.

so here i sit in the dark, talking to myself, reassuring myself that it's ok to be tired and NOT bright-eyed and WIDE smiled like those 40somethings.

after all, i have been there.

i have actually done that.

and now i really should go lay down and try to sleep.

after i step out on my balcony and look at the stars, that is, and say a quiet prayer of thanks for being 60 something.