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Saturday, June 30, 2012

here on the other side of the planet...



i slog through fogged days and restless nights waiting till my 'soul catches up with my body'- having been sadly displaced by flying thousands of miles in just a few agonizing hours.

i feel the cool wind on my face in this northern city- even the hottest part of the day has a bite to it, and the streets are wide and straight and it's quiet and the green fields are vast under the big blue sky.

my little one sings, dances, plays, toughs it through the sleepless nights and in a darkened room as we try to get her brain to recognize melatonin and the change of circadian rhythms there is nothing to be done but laugh and enjoy her delight in this new world.

we hang a red and white maple-leaf flag from the balcony in honor of CANADA day, and at the vast superstore i buy huge containers of things i can never find on the other side of the planet, and we eat too much and the berries taste sweet on our tongues and our skin is dry because it is NOT 100% humidity here.

people are friendly- they talk and take every opportunity for a conversation until my shy granddaughter protests and takes shortcuts so she doesn't have to meet anyone when we walk.

i stroll around the lake- THE LAKE!- and the ducks- DUCKS!- bob in the clear water and the aeration fountains spray into the cool air and people sit on the benches and no one is spitting on the ground, or throwing their trash everywhere, or swimming in the lake, or jumping over the dividing walls, or building shacks on the fields.

the shock to the system is terrific.

a whole different world.

and the difference throbs in my heart, and i raise bleary eyes to the clouds in the pristine sky and as i wait for my brain to arrive, i give thanks, deep thanks, for it all.




Wednesday, June 20, 2012

flurries of frantic flailing

it would happen.

in the middle of a family crisis, whilst trying to get ready for a 5-week long trip to the West, my tooth starts aching. so off to the dentist i go...screwing my courage to the sticking place and praying hard...

and the drill, and the tension, and the cold water shooting all over my sensitive teeth and not enough anesthesia and two hours with my jaw wide open....MIGRAINE.

so down for two days....stuff to do is backing up...suitcases to pack, shopping to be done...

writing down instructions for the girls who will stay in the house and look after 9 - NINE- animals and a HUGE garden...

trying to organize everything and repeatedly finding that i've forgotten/lost/broken some valuable item that needs to go on the trip or take care of something here...

sometimes i just feel like such a failure.


Monday, June 11, 2012

breathe...

this past week has been hard.

hard to eat.

hard to breathe.

hard to shake my head and look around at my normal.

because my child

my son

is on the other side of the world

suffering.


i have not prayed this deeply for a long time. i have not surrendered this heavily for a long time. i have not waded through deep water like this for a long time.

made harder because he is so far away. if i could be doing something- babysitting, nursing, helping in any way, i'd feel better.

the complete helplessness to do anything but pray is revealing my doubt, my shallowness.


deep down in my core self

some true lies bubbled up

to the surface

and showed their nasty faces...

fear (what if he dies/never fully recovers/blah blah blah)

guilt (maybe i didn't give him enough vitamins/i should have taken better care of him as an infant)

insecurity (what if he can't be the strength of our old age that we need him to be)

and so on.

most of all, i didn't want him to be afraid.

i didn't want him to feel scared and alone.

you see how silly this is; a grown man with a loving wife and two wonderful children and a calling of God on his life?

yet.

this mom totally reverted to "mommy" when he got sick. seriously sick. as in desperately ill from an unknown cause.

i had to 'go there'.

i had to think through all these feelings and allow the lies to be exposed and allow Jesus to bring truth to the deep dark places.

calm has come. i wouldn't say it's total peace, because i still can't eat much, and i still find myself holding my breath...but it's better.

such a week

 of re-learning to trust.

of breathing, one breath at a time.

of sorrowing over his pain and my own.

please God let it be over soon.

for his sake- and honestly, selfishly- for mine.