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Monday, June 11, 2012

breathe...

this past week has been hard.

hard to eat.

hard to breathe.

hard to shake my head and look around at my normal.

because my child

my son

is on the other side of the world

suffering.


i have not prayed this deeply for a long time. i have not surrendered this heavily for a long time. i have not waded through deep water like this for a long time.

made harder because he is so far away. if i could be doing something- babysitting, nursing, helping in any way, i'd feel better.

the complete helplessness to do anything but pray is revealing my doubt, my shallowness.


deep down in my core self

some true lies bubbled up

to the surface

and showed their nasty faces...

fear (what if he dies/never fully recovers/blah blah blah)

guilt (maybe i didn't give him enough vitamins/i should have taken better care of him as an infant)

insecurity (what if he can't be the strength of our old age that we need him to be)

and so on.

most of all, i didn't want him to be afraid.

i didn't want him to feel scared and alone.

you see how silly this is; a grown man with a loving wife and two wonderful children and a calling of God on his life?

yet.

this mom totally reverted to "mommy" when he got sick. seriously sick. as in desperately ill from an unknown cause.

i had to 'go there'.

i had to think through all these feelings and allow the lies to be exposed and allow Jesus to bring truth to the deep dark places.

calm has come. i wouldn't say it's total peace, because i still can't eat much, and i still find myself holding my breath...but it's better.

such a week

 of re-learning to trust.

of breathing, one breath at a time.

of sorrowing over his pain and my own.

please God let it be over soon.

for his sake- and honestly, selfishly- for mine.