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Thursday, November 15, 2012

anniversaries of the heart...

my mother died 21 years ago on november 14th, 1991.

21 years ago yesterday.

not a day has gone by that i have not thought of her, wished she were here, regretted the years we spent apart with only snail mail letters every few months to catch up on each other's lives.

i've written much about my mother- all of it tender and charitable. i have no negative memories of her. she was a firecracker of a mom- she wasn't perfect but she didn't pretend to be. this i loved about her.

there was a deep understanding between us. i was her confidante from a young age and i knew her better than anyone. she told me things she never told anyone else. she treated me like an adult, but she did not cling. she released me to fly away from the nest so very young. she trusted me.

i, of course, betrayed that trust by simply being human. on the other hand, she had pretty high standards.

what would i say to her today, if there was snail mail - or something- between heaven and here?

i don't know.

i would probably just run to her and bury my head on her shoulder and feel her patting my back and stroking my hair. i would cry. she would cry.

then we'd wipe our eyes, put the kettle on, and sit down all comfortable for a lovely afternoon of catching up.

i miss you, mom. i wish you hadn't died. i wish you'd seen all my beautiful children. i wish you could spar with dennis about "Scritchure" as you used to do. i wish the years here weren't so long.

and i really really wish i had some nice pictures of you.

but we have this to look forward to- you from your eternal side of things and me here in the crawling of the days...together again one day. forever. i can't wait.