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Thursday, March 14, 2013

a homely house

sometimes when i have a few moments to sit down and let out a deep sigh of tiredness but happiness, i look around at the room i'm sitting in with fresh eyes. there are rooms in my house that i don't often sit down in, and it's fun to just look around and pretend i'm a visitor and let the impressions come.

so this morning i sit in my 'fire room' as the girls call it. the room where the fireplace is. we don't actually use the fireplace, it's faux...but it's beautiful. fieldstone all the way up to the ceiling. beautiful. wish it was real, can't explain all the reasons here. but i digress.

if i were a guest sitting down here, i would see several- well, many!- things in this room that would puzzle me.

for instance. why is there a stuffed hedgehog, cute as a button, sitting on the edge of the couch?

with a clothespin and an empty can of ginger beer beside him...?

other things i would see...

an antique bell sitting on top of a roll of packing tape. a bottle of baby powder beside that.

an empty coffee cup...a plate with some grains of rice on it...ew....

emma's tinker bell teapot sits on a shelf beside three small wooden elephants. stacks of books are quite orderly, stacked just the way i like them- lying down so you can read the titles. why would books be stacked the other way? gives you a crick in the neck.

i see a bunny rabbit headband....a christmas tree ornament, a plastic football...

a can of salted almonds stands beside miscellaneous candles on the mantle, as well as a small pocket mirror.

on the shelf above the television are three beautiful works of art...brass colored papier-mache elephants under a banyan tree, a black Japanese samurai warrior, and a gorgeous clay elephant wiping away a tear from his eye. (he was a gift from my melody...)

what else would i see in this room...

the cushions on the couch are all covered in indian bed-sheets, beautiful browns and reds and black. small throw pillows are strewn about with teddy bears, mostly christmas teddy bears. seems i never did collect all the christmas decor...

on the wall hangs a gilt-framed puzzle print of two sisters playing the piano. "jeunes filles au piano" is the official title, it's a renoir painting. wish i had the original.

there is a little la-la-loopsie doll laying on the shelf beneath the painting, among the candles. a brass coin dish is next. an electric fan stands beside the fireplace- no doubt to blow the warm non-existent heated air to the folks watching tv. hahaha.

folded clothes waiting to be put books...a basket of fancy teddies...a corner ikea lamp...wires hanging from the ceiling...

oh, and beside the very comfortable sink-into-it lazy-boy, there's baskets of yarn and crocheting started and never finished. i wonder who would have done that? looks like she got interrupted...(yes, she did)

as i sit here looking with new eyes, the impression is that this is a cosy, lived-in room that doesn't get cleaned very often. it's comfortable, small, friendly. you could linger lazily in this room for a whole day with lots to occupy yourself's "cluttered enough to be homely, and clean enough to be healthy". well, i'm not sure about the plate with rice on it, but whatever.

but alas, i have to get up and go downstairs and begin the daily routine...feed the puppies...water the in my little office...

and so i have no time to sit and relax here in this beautifully cluttered space.

in my homely house.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

i watched her face

as the confusion stormed out of her twisted mouth.

there in my pink office, pink for safety and comfort and womb-like embrace, she sat stiff on my couch. talking. talking. talking.

i waited. asked questions. clarified. her forehead was creased with anxious wrinkles. her mouth was a hard line of reasoning.

this is what i do. i ask questions. then i pray. then i ask again.

she talked, and i let her.

time passed. i sensed the anger swirl around her like a storm. asked gently, but pointedly, if she was willing to give that anger away.

she was.

so we prayed. and then the heavy tears came.

and the deep memories.

and the flood of pain that poured out of the dark places where she believed she was useless, dumb, nothing.

an arching banner of lies over her life.

lifted up to HIM who cannot lie.

and slowly, bit by bit, truth came.

her face changed. i watched it change.

i watched her whisper to the little lost girl inside, tell her she was loved, tell her it's ok.

and tears stung my eyes too.

and the lines and the wrinkles and the hard edges of her face softened, and she opened her eyes and looked at me with a childlike peace.

and this is why i do what i do.

because HE heals.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

sometimes when i look at my knees

i don't recognize them.

i mean, whose wobbly skin is this? whose varicose veins are those? and for heaven's sake, who do those puffy ankles belong to?

the toll this life takes is astounding.

every day is a battle for health, for being pain-free, for getting enough rest and proper nutrition.

i remind myself to drink enough water. drink. drink. drink.

pee, pee, pee.

eat papaya to stay regular.

get exercise. walk. climb stairs.

no sugar. very little caffeine, and only in the morning.


i used to not even think about this body. it just worked, and i carried on without a thought as to how it felt or what it looked like. i ate whatever i wanted. i slept deeply and fast. i chased children without needing to sit down. i could work around the clock for 3-4 days and be nicely tired but still functional.

whose body is this?

whose face is that in the mirror? those fading blue/green eyes. the pointy chin with a saggy wattle underneath, and a few whiskers here and there. BLECH. whose graying hair and whose sagging breasts and whose wrinkled hands?????????

who are you and what have you done with me??????

sometimes when i look at my knees, i don't recognize them.