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Saturday, March 21, 2015

My dad died.

cold words, like ice on my tongue-
I've waited years to say them.

So when he died, I felt denial.
Then relief.
Then denial.

I shouted to my sister on the phone,
“how? I just got an update about him
and he was fine!
How? When? But he was fine…”

Then I felt weird, like a piece of the world was missing.

Over the days I alternate between these 2 emotions-
Relief and denial-
And I walk around saying to random people,
“my dad died”,
as if that would make it real.

It hasn’t.

How can he be gone?

This huge piece of me,
My father,
Is no longer here.

The dark world that he lived in molded mine-
The night became familiar.

The universe I arrived in so many years ago,
Has changed, has shrunk.
there is no one left to shape me, to scold me,
to spark in sudden anger.
my primary critic is gone.

My heart hurts, and i feel
As if someone reached into my chest
And plucked out a piece of it.

My eyes ache with unshed tears.
I do not know why they are unshed.
They won’t come
Even when I beg them to.

Maybe tomorrow I will cry.

My dad died.